


The Enthrallment Variable

by concupiscence66



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-15
Updated: 2011-02-15
Packaged: 2017-10-15 16:36:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/162759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/concupiscence66/pseuds/concupiscence66





	1. Chapter 1

1.

After being harangued all week by Sheldon about what qualified her to be a "girl next door", she finally had a real answer. Apparently the girl next door is short. That seemed to be the big thing separating her from the 6ft glamazons surrounding her. Not that Penny was intimidated. Well, not much.

"These are some tall ass bitches."

Penny strained her neck to look up at the speaking glamazon. Like everyone in the room, she was ridiculously tall and absurdly thin. Like most of the girls in the room, she had blond hair and blue eyes but unlike most of the room, she appeared to have been born that way.

"You're the tallest girl here."

"Yeah, but usually I walk into a room of chicks and I feel like Godzilla storming Tokyo. Here I feel normal. If my high school had looked more like this, I would have gone to senior prom."

"I feel like a homunculus."

The glamazon's eyes widened incredulously, "I was just thinking that the voice in my head that always tells me I'm fat kind of looks like you."

Penny wasn't sure if it was a compliment or insult but she knew one thing for sure. She was talking to a model who knew the word homunculus. She owed it to her boys to learn more.

Her name was Regina but she preferred Reg. Mainly because her parent's pronounced her name so that it rhymed with vagina. "My folks decide to be British for a year and I spend my whole school life being called Vag. That's why I skipped so many grades."

She was a mathematics grad student at Caltech. It was too perfect. She told herself if it weren't for the height difference, she would introduce Reg to Leonard. Her only hesitation was the height difference. That was the reason she decided to go with. Howard was also a homunculus and dating Bernadette. That left Raj and...

Sheldon? No! Maybe.

Reg knew Dr. Sheldon Cooper. "A physicist melts down! That guy is awesome! You really know that guy?"

"I'm the one who gave him the wine to calm himself down."

"He did not look tense so... Daps to Penny!"

Penny returned the fist bump and tried to think how she could possibly set Sheldon, of all people, up on a date.

Reg thought Sheldon was "kinda fucking cute" and she had opinions on his work. Penny didn't understand anything Reg was saying but she recognized the words boson, and m-theory and those were things Leonard and Sheldon talked about.

Penny took her place in the middle of the glamazons and pretended to eat bowel-regulating yogurt. She was the "regular" girl in a national ad campaign. Her career was finally taking off.

2.

Penny was mulling over how to manipulate Sheldon into going on a date when he walked up to her and said, "Here's how you can manipulate me."

Actually, he said, "Oh, good, Penny. I hoped I'd run into you. Can I assume you won't be giving Leonard coitus for his birthday this year since you are no longer 'seeing each other'."

"I thought we called a moratorium on the word coitus."

Sheldon smiled because she used a polysyllabic word, "Very good, Penny! My apologies, can I assume you won't be having intercourse with Leonard this year for his birthday?"

"You can assume that. Why would you even ask?"

"Because that's how Leonard celebrated his last birthday. Now I can move forward with my plans."

"What have you got up your sleeve, Dr. Cooper?"

"My arm but I imagine you mean figuratively. I'm planning a 'kick ass' birthday party for Leonard and I have a dearth of attractive females."

Sheldon held up a clip board. Male names were listed on the left, females on the right. There was a definite discrepancy. Apparently dearth meant 'not enough'.

"You're throwing a party for Leonard? Why? I mean, that's so sweet but... why?"

"Leonard is my best friend."

Maybe Sheldon was learning.

"And as part of our friendship rider Leonard has demanded I make one gesture of appreciation a year for said friendship."

It was still something.

"So you need more pretty girls for your party..."

"My research indicates I need at the very least to have an equal number of males and females. Preferably an abundance of females but that seems unlikely to occur as Leonard and most of his friends are horribly intimidated by attractive women. Naturally, Koothrappali takes the prize in that category but," Sheldon held up the clip board again, "You'll notice there are no Don Juans on the invite list."

"So... you need more pretty girls for your party."

"Yes. I assume you will be in attendance. I already called the Cheesecake Factory to make sure you had the evening off."

"Of course I'll be there! And, yes, I can bring some friends."

"How many do you think you can bring because I'm not sure I should invite Dr. Stephanie and Leslie Winkle. While they are 'pretty girls', I'm given to understand that ex-girlfriends should be kept to a minimum at a birthday party."

Penny looked at the list. Bernadette, Amy Farrah Fowler, Penny and Missy.

"Missy's coming?"

"I called her and not only did she agree to fly out, she cried. I had no idea she enjoyed birthday parties so much."

"Maybe she was crying because it's the first time you've ever tried to include her in your life."

"I send her a Christmas card every year. Moving on. The theme will be Star Trek but I expect there will be iconoclasts who choose to dress as Star Wars characters," Sheldon pointed to the mock up party invite that explained the theme was Star Trek but that in was not uncommon for iconoclasts to dress in Star Wars costumes on such occasions, "and it's going to be a surprise party so keep this under your metaphorical hat."

"How are you going to keep it a secret. You've got that lyme disease thing."

"I don't have lyme disease, I have tics... I don't have time for this. I don't have to keep it a secret because Leonard knows we're having a Star Trek themed birthday party for him."

"Then how the frack is this a surprise party?"

"Because he thinks it will just be the four of us but in fact, I'm inviting all of his friends and all the attractive women I can scrape together. And there will be alcohol. That reminds me, I'm going to need you to drive me to purchase the alcohol and to ascertain how much I need to buy. I have not been able to find data regarding the average alcohol consumption at a party..."

"Got it. No problem. I actually just met this great girl..."

"Is she available for coitus?"

"I think so."

"Then bring her to the party," Sheldon clasped his clip board to his chest and looked thoughtful, "I hope this party is successful and it makes Leonard happy."

"Oh, sweetie, it will," if it were anyone else, she would have kissed his cheek.

"If this party is successful enough, maybe I can get Leonard to ease up on some of the more unreasonable demands in the friendship rider."

"Like asking him once a day how he is even if you don't care?"

"So you agree with me? I'm glad someone sees my side. Get back to me with a number ASAP."

Sheldon went back to his apartment without a goodbye or any indication the conversation was over. She hadn't been able to mention Reg but now she knew how to introduce the two.

She called Reg and invited her to a Star Wars themed birthday party.

"Would I be an apostate if I wore my Princess Leia costume?'

"More like an iconoclast."

She'd google both words later.


	2. Chapter 2

1.

There was, of course, one small roadblock to finding a girlfriend for Sheldon. He already had one.

Penny saw Leonard walking into their building and ran to catch up with him.

"Hey, Penny. What's up?"

"I need to talk to you about Sheldon."

"I'll have him come over later and apologize."

"Apologize for what?"

"Oh. I'm sorry, usually conversations that start with 'I need to talk to you about Sheldon' end with me making Sheldon apologize."

Penny saw the logic. She was taking Sheldon shopping later that evening, no doubt there would be something for Sheldon to apologize for after they'd spent a few hours together.

"Sheldon and Amy..."

"You mean Shamy?" laughed Leonard

"Amy made her feelings on that term pretty clear," Penny said remembering the strange woman's strange vehemence on the subject, "Are they still just friends? Is he available?"

"Available for what?"

"A date. I met this really great girl shooting my commercial..."

"And you think she should date Sheldon? What did she ever do to you?"

"She's really tall and really smart and really pretty..." Penny began but Leonard looked increasingly dubious, "and she's kind of weird and abrasive. And she calls the first Star Trek series TOS."

Leonard tilted his head thoughtfully.

"I know it's crazy, Leonard, but I just have this feeling that they would be good together," Penny added enthusiastically before another troublesome thought flitted into her head, "Assuming, of course, that he likes women."

Leonard laughed, "I have lived with the man for seven years and I'm not sure. That can't bode well for your friend. Not to mention, I'm his best friend in the world and he can barely tolerate my presence..."

"That's not true..."

"Well, that's what he said to me over breakfast this morning. It kind of hurt my feelings."

"Do you think Sheldon has romantic feelings for Amy? Yes or no?"

"I honestly don't know, Penny. I've tried to talk to him about it but he's pretty skittish. Observing them together, I don't think there's much chemistry."

"Great, he's free."

"On the other hand..."

"Ugh! Why can't you just give me a straight answer?"

"I'm a professional thinker, Penny. This is how we roll."

2.

"Name that integer?"

"No."

"Pop culture science?"

"No."

"Shiny things?"

"I don't want to play one your stupid car games, Sheldon!"

"I've gone to a lot of effort to create games suitable to your intellect..."

"Just because I'm not a genius doesn't mean I'm an idiot."

"Of course not. One does not necessarily follow the other."

Insult or not? Who cares?

"So, Sheldon, how are things with your girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend! She's a friend that's..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you aren't dating. Does that mean you're available?"

"Available for what?"

"A date. With a girl."

"I have no interest in engaging..."

"If a beautiful sexy blonde asked you on a date and you said yes, would you feel you were betraying Amy?"

Sheldon was openly baffled, "I'm sure AMY would not feel betrayed by such an occurrence but..."

"Great! That is all I needed to hear, Sweetie!" Penny exclaimed, thoughtlessly giving Sheldon's leg a friendly squeeze.

He was silent the rest of the way home. He kept staring at his leg, where Penny had squeezed. Penny assumed he was concerned about a bruise from being manhandled. Whackadoodle.


	3. Chapter 3

1.

Penny surveyed her new social group.

Bernadette was looking especially cute dressed as Nurse Chapel.

Reg looked amazing in her gold Princess Leia bikini, not that Sheldon would even notice.

Her new BFF, Amy Farrah Fowler, made a toothsome Captain Janeway. Finally, the peer group her father had always wanted for her. A bunch of bat-crap crazy neurotic intellectuals. Add them to her homeboys next door and she had a full coterie of geniuses who used the Vulcan salute like a gang sign.

"Are Missy and I going to be the only people at this party who aren't Trekkies?" she asked aloud, pretty sure she knew the answer.

"I'm not really a fan of science fiction," offered Bernadette, sipping her margarita daintily.

"But," began a confused Penny, "you have five original series costumes. You're dressing half the party!"

Penny was wearing one of Bernadette's red uniforms.

"Howard keeps buying them for me," giggled the petite blonde, "I don't know why."

Penny took a gulp of her margarita and wished she could pour it straight on to her brain.

As more girls arrived, it began to feel like a sitcom clips show.

Oh, there's the crazy red-head that was something like Sheldon's girlfriend for a while.

Here's the girl who tried to sleep with Sheldon but he was (and still is) too thick to understand what she was offering.

Leslie Winkle! Sheldon invited his nemesis? Nope, she's friends with Reg. They go "trolling for ass" at the humanities mixers together.

Finally, Sheldon's twin sister, Missy arrives. The tall beautiful brunette surveys the assemblage of communications officers, vulcans and Borg with a mixture of fear and awe and whispers in Penny's ear.

"I feel like I've just landed on Sheldon's home planet."

"Don't be scared," Penny whispers back, "the natives are friendly. For the most part."

Once Reg's friend Talia arrived (a lovely Lt. Uhura) and Penny's friends, Cara and Marney, came stumbling in (they were dressed as slutty aliens), it was time to turn Leonard's birthday in a "girl-boy" party.

Not for the first time that evening, Penny wondered what had happened to her life.

2.

Leonard was having a great time at his first birthday party ever. Technically, it was the second party thrown for him but he hadn't been able to attend the first.

He was dressed as Kirk and he, Sheldon and Stuart were kicking ass at the Star Trek version of Trivial pursuit. Raj, Howard and Captain Sweatpants were a distant second. Albino Bob, Lonely Larry and Kripke weren't even in the running any more.

Leonard ate a handful of funions and smiled at Sheldon.

"Thanks, buddy. You did a really good job organizing this party. I really appreciate it."

Sheldon looked smugly self-satisfied, an expression that intensified when there was a knock at the door.

"Oh, my," exclaimed Sheldon, "Whoever could that be? You'd better answer the door, Leonard. It may be a violent intruder."

Leonard, the muscle of the group, answered the door. Nearly a dozen attractive attractive women, lead by Penny, yelled "surprise!"

Leonard turned to his roommate, his eyes shining with gratitude and said, "Leonard's amendments to the friendship rider? You can delete amendment 3."

Sheldon gave him a very gentle high five.

3.

It was Amy Farrah Fowler, of all people, who suggested they play "spin the bottle". It was on her wiki-list. Penny had already learned the hard way that Amy did not share Sheldon's aversion to physical intimacy. Reg was coaxing people into the ever increasing circle. Howard bowed out saying, "Bernadette wouldn't want me kissing other ladies."

"Or Raj, again," Bernadette added with a giggle but she refused to elaborate on her cryptic statement. The second Howard turned her head Bernadette mouthed "I'll tell you at work" to Penny. Penny would just have to wait to hear that little gem.

Penny begged Leonard to convince Sheldon to join, trying to advance her matchmaking plot. Leonard said, "You owe me one" but he came through. Sheldon was currently seated between Leonard and Reg with a pack of wet wipes in his hand. Penny wondered what Leonard had sacrificed to win Sheldon over. It must have been something big.

"Sheldon, I want to say again, this is a great party. I'm having a really great..." Leonard began, a friendly hand on his roommate's shoulder.

"I don't care about your feelings, Leonard," Sheldon responded in a pleasant tone.

Leonard glared at Penny, "Seven years undone for your little game."

Leonard spun the bottle first. It landed on Sheldon. If looks could kill, Penny would have been dead twice over. Leonard kissed Sheldon's cheek which Sheldon scrubbed with not one but two wipes. Reg suggested they should sit boy-girl to decrease the chances of "awkwardness". Penny sat between Leonard and Sheldon. When she spun the bottle, it landed somewhere between Amy and Captain Sweatpants.

"Come here, Captain!" Penny yelled before anyone could question the call. Surprisingly, Captain Sweatpants smelled very nice.

Sheldon spun the bottle. It landed unambiguously on Leonard. Penny leaned backwards so that Sheldon could lean over her towards Leonard but also to get out of the range of those hostile blue eyes. She felt her brain might actually explode if he looked at her too long. Reg spun the bottle and landed on Raj at the opposite end of the circle. Everyone but Sheldon stared as she tried to find a lady like way to reach across the circle in her revealing costume. Raj was halfway through a six pack and was a bit over-enthusiastic with his kiss but the rest of the round went smoothly. Penny knew Leonard wasn't pleased to get a kiss from Amy but the kiss from the chick who looked like the girl from Wonder Years made up for it.

When it was Leonard's turn to spin, he and Sheldon exchanged wary glances. Sheldon looked ready to bolt. So far Leonard was the only person to get any lip action off his roommate.

"C'mon, Sheldon. What are the odds of it happening again?" wheedled Penny.

"Do you want me to do the math? Because I will," retorted Sheldon.

"Are you afraid you'll fall in love with Leonard if you keep kissing him? Because of those two guys and the bear?" teased Penny.

Sheldon looked quizzical for a moment, "Are you referring to the James-Lange theory of emotion?"

"Yeah! Where you think you're scared of a bear because you want to run!"

Everyone was looking at her, dumbfounded. Amy stepped in.

"The James-Lange theory of emotion posits that bodily changes in reaction to stimulus are interpreted as 'emotion'. IE, the fight or flight instinct elicited by the presence of a bear is named 'fear' while a nearly identical release of hormones at the site of a naked sexual partner is labeled 'arousal'. I did a series of experiments in my undergraduate work. Two of my participants later married despite my best efforts at debriefing."

"Trust me, Sheldon, if I have to kiss you again I'm leaving the game," promised Leonard, as he spun the bottle. It landed on Penny. Leonard gave her a maniacal smile but his kiss was quick and chaste.

Penny's spin landed on Reg. Howard cheered from across the room. Penny dragged the kiss out a bit since they were leaning over Sheldon. After getting an up-close view of two attractive scantily clad women kissing, what could Sheldon say but, "I can't believe you actually remembered something I told you, Penny."

Though he wasn't quite smiling, his blue eyes were dancing.

"When you say something interesting, I remember it. Now spin the bottle."

Sheldon's eyes turned serious, "Everything I say is interesting."

The bottle landed on Leslie Winkle. Sheldon glared at Leonard and gave Leslie a peck so quick, the Flash himself would have marveled.

4.

By the third round, the game changed. There were some hard core gamers in the room and they were now doing their best to aim the bottle. Penny noticed how Leonard kept his wrist perfectly straight as he flicked the bottle straight to Reg. Sheldon looked around the room when it was his turn as though searching for the least objectionable person to smooch. In the end he found them all equally repulsive and closed his eyes. The bottle landed squarely in front of Penny. Penny flushed as he gave her a quick kiss on the corner of her mouth. Somehow she felt guilty for bringing him into such an awkward situation. If there was a need for repentance, Penny certainly got hers when she had to kiss Raj, Captain Sweatpants, Stuart, Albino Bob and Amy during the same round.


	4. Chapter 4

1.

Reg was a regular party starter. She had all the brainiacs playing some bizarre version of pictionary. Oddly enough, it was Penny that got the first correct answer. Reg had drawn two pictures of a man with a flat top and absurdly baggy pants. MC Hammer. Two MC Hammers.

"E=MC squared!"

Penny took her congratulatory shot and sat her ass down on the couch with Missy who gave her a high five.

Because of his inability to swallow a single shot, Sheldon became Reg's assistant. As the two conferred about sciency stuff, Penny mentally patted herself on the back. And then she literally patted herself on the back.

"When Sheldon finally gives your mom grandchildren, she can send her thanks to 'the Penny'!"

Missy looked dubious.

"Shelly and her? He wouldn't know what to do."

"He's a genius," Penny smirked, "he'll figure it out."

2.

Missy turned out to have a wealth of insight into the art of competition. She gave a running commentary as she and Penny chugged a pitcher of margaritas.

"That little curly haired mean girl?"

"Leslie."

"Look at her pitting Lenny and Howie against each other."

"They're kicking ass!"

"What do they weigh, 90 lbs a piece? They'll be face down after a few of the mandatory "congratulatory" shots. I bet she weeds out all the guys first."

"Missy! You are so smart!"

"Girl, how much have you had to drink?"

"I'm serious. Sheldon may be the genius, but I think you're the smart one."

Soon enough, Howard wasn't actually face down but he wasn't standing up.

It was Leonard's turn to draw. He went to Sheldon for his clue then he walked to the white board. Then he walked back to Sheldon who again whispered his clue. The third time it happened, Sheldon wrote the clue on Leonard's hand.

Leonard was currently standing in front of the white board staring at his hand, shaking his head and laughing.

"Look at Shelly! He's so disappointed! He was always like that. None of his imaginary friends could ever live up to his expectations."

"Leonard, as you are incapable of completing your turn, you are disqualified," announced Sheldon in a senatorial tone.

"What?" cried Leonard, "It's my birthday!"

"Happy birthday, Leonard. You're disqualified."

Missy was suddenly teary-eyed, "I'm so glad he has friends. I never thought he'd find other people like him."

Penny could see why that would be a concern.

As Leonard came staggering over to the couch, Missy jumped up and gave him an effusive hug.

"What? Oh. Thanks. Great." Then he collapsed on the couch next to Penny and showed her his hand.

"What the hell does that say?"

"It's a little hard to read, your palms all sweaty," Penny chalked that up to the hug from Missy, "but I think it says the speed of light."

"Aw!" Leonard whined, "that would have been an easy one!"

Five minutes later, he was asleep on her shoulder.

3.

Missy was right, Leslie was knocking the men down one by one. Kripke was the next to go.

"He is sloshed! Listen to him talk!" Missy exclaimed.

"Actually, he always talks like that," Penny explained.

4.

"You have a remarkable understanding of theoretical mathematics... for an experimental physicist."

Missy's blue eyes were huge, "Oh, snap. Girl-Sheldon..."

"Amy."

"Just smack-talked mean girl."

"Leslie."

"Girl-Sheldon might win the game, but she's gonna get a smack down in the parking lot. Mean girl ain't playin'."

Penny laughed. Her money was on Amy.

"Now, Girl-Sheldon, that's a girl for Sheldon."

"You'd think so," Penny explained, "but she likes big dumb guys."

Missy put her hand over her heart.

"God, help me. So do I."

5.

"Tell me they don't look good together!" Penny said with unnecessary volume. They had polished off a second pitcher of margaritas.

Sheldon and Reg had their heads together as they conferred about the next... question thingy.

"Their kids would be so smart and so tall and they'd have blue eyes," Penny mused.

"Because blue eyes is a recessive trait and they both have blue eyes. You are a science machine tonight!" Missy exclaimed before giving her another high five.

Penny felt very proud of herself as she watched Sheldon put his lips next to Reg's ear and whisper. Reg rewarded him with a dazzling smile and a wink.

Penny felt... something. Something she didn't want to name or understand. She took a long drink from her margarita glass.

6.

Amy's trash talk worked, it came down to Amy and Bernadette. An irritated Leslie over to the couch and dragged a half-sleeping Leonard off to the bedroom. She snapped at him not to ask questions when he tried to speak.

Missy covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes wide.

"Someone is getting some birthday loving'!" she whispered.

"I don't know if 'lovin' is the word for what's about to happen to him," Penny snickered back.

7.

"This is nice..."

"Don't talk, Leonard, you're going to ruin it for me," Leslie's voice was harsh but her hands were gentle.

Leonard decided to be quiet.

"This is the best birthday ever!"

"Shut up, Hofstadter."

"Shutting up... My room looks weird."

"That's because there are 14-year-old girls who hold their liquor better than you."

8.

Bernadette was victorious despite a valiant effort from Amy. For all her flightiness, Bernadette was smart as hell. Even Sheldon seemed impressed. He awarded her with a new flash drive (after he scratched Leonard's name off the gift tag) as her prize. He was so gentle as he guided Amy to the couch that Missy started tearing up again.

"Are you ill? Have you considered mood stabilizers?' he snapped as his twin hugged him.

"I'm sorry, Shelly! It's just so nice to see you like this with all these friends and so... human."

"I appreciate the sentiment if not the drunken enthusiasm. Penny?' Sheldon's face was inches from Penny's, "Please listen carefully."

"What do you need, Sheldon?" Penny asked, her throat suddenly dry.

"Please do not let Amy Farrah Fowler asphyxiate on her own vomit."

"You can count on me."


	5. Chapter 5

Penny awoke to the sound of Amy's cell phone.

"I have not returned home because I spent the night at Sheldon and Leonard's apartment... As I told you earlier, I attended a costume party... Why would I lie about going to a party, Mother?... I'll be returning shortly. First I need some acetaminophen and water as I have a hangover from doing a series of shots in the course of a party game... Why would I lie about having a hangover?"

Penny's head was throbbing. The last thing she remembered was listening to Raj explaining something about the constellations that had seemed really interesting... It was gone, whatever it was. Raj was currently trapped under a still half-sleeping Missy on Sheldon's end of the couch.

"Raj, I know that Missy feels entitled to sit in my spot just as she has felt entitled to insert herself into any other space I declared mine since we shared a womb together. As you and I have never shared a uterus, I expect better of you."

Raj shrugged mutely and indicated he was trapped. Sobriety is a bitch.

"Missy, wake up so Rajesh can get out of my spot."

"I swear to God, Shelly, I will punch you so hard you'll never give Mama grandchildren."

Sheldon glared but moved on. He was putting on his shoes and jacket.

"Where-er gonin'?" Leonard asked, apparently from the floor.

"Reg and I are going to have a train day!" His face suddenly lit up with childish enthusiasm. God bless, Reg.

Then Reg came into view. She was wearing Sheldon's clothes.

What the fuck?

Her hair was still in the Princess Leia braid and she was still wearing sandals but she was otherwise transformed. She was wearing horn-rimmed glasses, Sheldon's Green Lantern jersey and a pair of his plaid pants. Penny allowed herself a moment to hate the lithe blonde for still managing to look pretty hot. Damned tall girls.

"I'm going to show Sheldon some of the work I've been doing that I think will help him with his monopole research," Reg explained before leaning in and whispering directly to Penny, "I can smell the Nobel Prize from here!"

Reg wiggled her eyebrows at Penny, Sheldon told Leonard they would be having a "long talk" later and they were gone.

They were all thinking it but it was Missy who finally said it.

"Holy shit!"

Leonard called a cab for Amy and got Albino Bob out of the tub. Penny looked under all the furniture and found Howard and Bernadette. Once everyone was gone, it was time for Penny, Leonard and Missy to get down to business.

"We need to look for evidence," suggested Leonard.

"Evidence? Like what? A sex tape? A signed coitus contract?" Penny was being sarcastic but maybe there was a contract...

Leonard held up his finger in a "a-hah" motioned and led the women to Sheldon's bedroom. He opened the bedside drawer and triumphantly held up an open box of condoms.

"There are TWO missing!"

Missy was shaking her head, "I can't believe it! With all of us in the other room? That just doesn't seem like Shelly."

Penny was in shock. Sheldon and Reg? She had wanted them to hit it off but...

Unwanted images kept flashing through her brain like a movie she couldn't turn away from. Sheldon kissing Reg. Reg tugging at Sheldon's blue uniform shirt.

"I can't believe Shelly even has condoms in his room."

Sheldon sliding down the straps of Reg's tiny gold bikini top, kissing her clavicle.

"I buy them for him. Replace them when they expire."

Penny saw her puzzled expression reflected on Missy's elegantly beautiful face.

Sheldon's elegant face flushed with desire. Panting. Groaning.

"A man pushing thirty should have condoms on hand!" Leonard cried defensively, "There should be at least a chance he'll use them! And... he did."

Sheldon on top of Reg, her freakishly long legs wrapped around his waist.

"I still don't believe it," Missy insisted, "There's got to be another explanation. Can you ask your friend, Penny? Would she tell you? I know we can't expect a straight answer from Shelly."

Penny pulled out her cell phone and began typing.

Was Reg on top? Had she kissed Sheldon's long neck as she...

 _Did u and Sheldon hook up last night?_

His face had such a sweet innocence to it when he was happy. What would it look like contorted in pleasure?

Leonard jumped off the bed suddenly and dashed out of the room.

There was a beep. Reg had texted back.

 _Yep. Twice. It was crazy hot._

Penny couldn't breathe. Sheldon having sex. While she'd been feet away.

Leonard came back into the room looking sheepish.

 _Are you on crack? You've met this guy right?_

What did that mean?

"Never mind. I don't think they hooked up," Leonard announced.

 _I slept in his bed and he slept in Leonard's room._

"What about the condoms?" Penny had never been so confused. Her heart was pounding so hard she couldn't think. Sheldon groaning as he came inside another woman.

"I think that was me... I am in so much trouble."

Leonard was blushing and biting his thumbnail.

 _But I think Leonard and Leslie hooked up in Sheldon's bed. I helped him change the sheets._

"Did you and Leslie," Penny added "mean girl" for Missy's sake, "hook up in Sheldon's bed!"

"I was so out of it! I thought it was my room. Leslie promised it was my room but I knew it looked weird! I was pretty distracted."

Missy was leaning against the wall laughing.

 _I think Leslie did it to piss Sheldon off. She's kind of a freak like that._

"That curly haired girl is nasty!" Missy squealed.

"Yes she is," agreed Leonard but the way he said it, it was clearly not an insult.

So it didn't happen. The only reason Sheldon was in his bedroom with a beautiful model/genius dressed as a sexy nerd icon was so she could help him with his hospital corners. The world made sense again.

Leonard rubbed his temples, "I'm going to pay for this forever."

"Don't worry, Lenny. Shelly will forgive you. Eventually. Penny, can I use your shower? I need to get this make-up off."

Penny waited to feel normal again.

Leonard stopped moping to give Missy an appreciative look, "That is a great costume."

"Thanks, it's Reg's. I don't even know what it is."

"7 of 9."

"What?"

"It's 7 of 9."

Missy looked at Sheldon's bedside clock.

"Honey, it's 10 of 1. In fact, it's lunch time."

Penny was still waiting to feel normal.


	6. Chapter 6

Reg quickly texted while Sheldon waited for their food. Sheldon didn't seem like a gossipy type. When he returned, he was bearing some monstrous hot dogs. Reg looked at her chili cheese dog. There had to be 2,000 calories on that plate when you included the fries. A whole day's worth of calories...

Nope. She did not count calories. People on diets counted calories.

Sheldon's eyes were like cerulean lasers.

"I'm surprised that a professional model would eat a chili cheese dog. Don't you have to worry about maintaining an absurdly low percentage of body fat?"

Reg shrugged casually. It was supposed to be casual but it was a little spasmodic.

"I don't worry about food. Or calories. I have a totally healthy relationship with food. It's not like I count calories all day and calculate how much effort it will take to burn said calories..."

Reg visualized a dial in her mind. She mentally moved the dial from 10 to 6, bringing the crazy down a few notches.

She took a big bite of her chili dog, careful not to drip any on her borrowed clothing. It had been very sweet of Sheldon to lend her an outfit but she was pretty sure one stain and she would see just how high Sheldon's crazy dial could go. His had to go up to at least 11. Spinal Tap. Awesome.

"Now, let us return to our friendly conversation. What is your IQ?"

Fuck. This friendly conversation felt like a gynecological exam.

"I don't put much stock in IQ tests. They test your ability to take IQ tests..."

"Agreed. It's a flawed system of measuring intelligence. I only scored 187 and I'm certainly more than six standard deviations above 'average'," conceded Sheldon.

"No doubt."

"What is your IQ?"

"I don't remember..." Sheldon fixed that disapproving gaze on her, the one he'd given been giving Leonard all last night, "213."

Sheldon's eyebrows went up.

"It's a meaningless number," Reg reminded him. His eye twitched.

Reg tried to ask Sheldon questions but it was clear the interrogation/conversation was going to remain one-sided.

"How old were you went you entered college?"

"13."

"Hmm. I was 12. When did you complete your BS?"

"Two years later. Double major math and chem."

"Did you then enter a graduate program?"

"Harvard, chemistry got my Ph.D. when I was 18."

"And then...?"

"Katrina."

For the first time since she met him, Sheldon Cooper went silent.

It was convenient to only need the one word. No need to elaborate. No need to talk about how they found your brother right away but it took nearly a year to confirm your parents were dead. No need to talk about how your familial home was completely destroyed but your neighbors' house was untouched. No need to explain how you went from job to job until you settled back into your first love, pure math. No need to explain why things suddenly became so difficult for the girl who'd always achieved everything so easily. No need to explain why you felt so very old at 24.

Reg prayed for a distraction. It came in the form of a neanderthal who bumped into Sheldon's elbow and dumped 32oz of cola all over her new friend.

"Watch it, fag!"

Sheldon pulled at his soaked shirt in dismay.

"You spilled my soda!"

Sheldon belatedly realized the abuse was being lobbed in his direction.

"Excuse me! I was sitting at a table. How could I possibly have..."

"You need to shut the fuck up before I kick your sorry ass!"

Reg suspected the man was drunk and reason dictated they not antagonize him so why was she already on her feet and in his face?

"You need to back the fuck off before you get your ass beat by a chick in plaid pants!" she'd never had much patience for bullies but she was a grown woman capable of using diplomacy, "And if you have the balls in your shorts to test me I swear to God you'll be wearing them as a fucking bow tie when I'm done!"

She had a good two inches on the guy and he wisely backed down. Turn that crazy dial back down to six, this isn't a school yard.

"Crazy bitch." He mumbled it under his breath. He's just saving face.

"Oh, HELL NO! You did not just call me a bitch! You are a dead man!"

2.

She was a little concerned Sheldon might find her outburst off-putting but instead he welcomed her as the new "muscle" of the group and encouraged her to help him think of a new role for Leonard.

He hesitantly returned her fist bump.

She gave him one of his shirts back until he could return home and put on his alternate Sunday outfit. He seemed disturbed by his naked arms.

Sheldon has seen her go crazy and had accepted her. It made her feel good. The fact that he was bat crap crazy himself did nothing to diminish the warm feeling in her chest.

She wanted to hug him but her crazy-o-meter was back down to 3 so she kept her hands to herself.


	7. Chapter 7

When Leonard was asleep, he was in a world of beautiful women dressed as other beautiful women.

When he was awake he was hung over and nauseated.

He preferred to be asleep.

He was happily in a world of a blond Leia and a brunette Seven of Nine when...

Knock, knock, knock.

"Leonard!"

Knock, knock, knock.

"Leonard!"

Knock, knock, knock.

A female voice chimed in, "Leonard!"

He hesitantly opened his eyes and saw Sheldon and Reg were standing over his bed.

"Wake up, sunshine! You're thirty now. You need to get your ass in gear if you want a Nobel Prize. They don't award them posthumously!"

They were no longer dressed alike. Reg was in a pair of jeans and her own superhero shirt (Green Arrow) and Sheldon was in one of his "alternate" outfits.

"Why did you change clothes? Did you guys get messy at the hot dog train?"

"I told you he would be less than useless," Leonard assumed Sheldon was addressing Reg, "Now, get up. We're going to the office."

"It's Sunday!"

Sheldon shook his head in disappointment, "I am giving you the opportunity to get in on the groundwork of a paradigm shifting..."

"Some dude spilled soda on Sheldon and I went all Incredible Hulk on the guy. Split Sheldon's pants in half."

Obviously she was joking but Leonard was enjoying the mental image.

"Indeed, Reg is going to be the 'muscle' in our little band of scientists. That leaves you without a role for the moment so I'd suggest you get out of bed and find a way to be useful."

"You can be the looks," Reg suggested with a wink.

"I think you're the looks and the muscle and... the brains."

It sounded like sleazy when he said it out loud but it was 100% sincere.

Reg gave him a dazzling smile and another wink.

Being awake wasn't so bad after all.

"Come on, Leonard, we don't have all day," ordered Sheldon.

"I still don't understand..."

"Shall I recount the events of last night? Shall I begin with a rousing game of spin the bottle or skip straight to the defilement of my bed with my archenemy..."

"I'm getting up! Let's go to the office and work on a Sunday!"

2.

Leonard completed his assignments without complaint. Reg was reviewing three months of North Pole data with Sheldon. Her pure enjoyment of the work reminded him of Howard. Leonard loved performing experiments and Sheldon loved solving problems but all the steps in between were work. Reg seemed to be one of those people for whom the entire process was... fun.

"You realize if we actually make successful adjustments to the original numbers, you're going to be back at the North Pole starting all over again?"

Sheldon smiled happily, "I enjoyed my time there. No unnecessary distractions, no need to for engaging in tedious conversation..."

"If we tried to talk, he'd yell at us..."

"I'm sorry, Leonard, did I not give you enough to do to keep you occupied?"

Leonard went back to his assignment. He was in enough trouble.

3.

Sheldon and Leonard watched in awe as Reg filled white board after white board with equations.

Not wanting to interrupt her, Leonard sent Sheldon a text.

 _Wow. She is seriously smart._

 _What an astute observation. It is always illuminating to converse with you. Sarcasm._

 _Duh. She's really pretty._

 _Indeed. She has the waist to hip proportion indicative of fertility. Very attractive from an evolutionary perspective._

 _You are an ass man._

 _It's not a fetish, it's science._

 _I'm sorry. I meant to write 'You're an ass, man."_

Sheldon took a moment to contemplate the wording and change in punctuation, ascertained the new meaning of the sentence and gave a breathy laugh. He then typed _LOL_.

 _I know. I'm right here. I heard you LOL._

The conversation descended into bickering and continued until Reg finished her adjustments. She spoke in an exaggerated Louisiana accent.

"If y'all'er done OMGing about how GMTA, we have us some simulations to run."

4.

Sheldon stared at the screen. His eyes were sore and blood shot but he couldn't tear them away from what was unfolding in front of him.

Maybe they could detect monopoles.

Sheldon hated irrationality as a general rule and irrational numbers in particular. They tainted your data with fractions of uncertainty. Infinitesimal fractions of a number but adding to one another, shifting the data, distorting reality and the landscape of your thoughts.

Reg was leaning over his shoulder but was careful not to touch or breath on him. She would be a tolerable presence in his life.

"Fucking irrational numbers. I hate those bitches."

Sheldon nodded agreement with her ineloquently stated observation, "Wake Leonard up, we have work to do."

She looked at where Leonard had curled up on a desk.

"It must be awesome being short. You can sleep anywhere."


	8. Chapter 8

Penny debated wine with lunch. She'd dropped Missy off at the airport at 6am so she'd actually been awake for a long time...

Reg came in the door looking like hell.

"Big night?"

"I was up ALL night with Shellen."

"Shellen?"

"Around 4am, my eyes started crossing and they melded into one person and I named him Shellen."

"They?"

"Sheldon and Leonard and, before you ask, yes. I had sex with them both. At the same time. Over and over and over..."

"I know it sounded stupid but you were wearing Sheldon's clothes and there were condoms missing from his drawer..."

"Why would anyone know how many condoms Sheldon... Never mind. Shellen needs a girlfriend. A nice two headed physicist who plays the cello and loves trains."

"You may be the strangest person I know and I know Sheldon."

Reg smiled, "The four Red Bulls probably aren't helping with that."

"Why were you up all night?"

"I was talking to Sheldon about irrational numbers and how they can lead to infinitesimal errors in... Wow. Your eyes just glazed right over."

"I'm sorry, I have listened to so many science lectures in the last four years I should have a degree and yet, all I've learned is Fig Newtons are named after a town in Massachusetts."

"I love Fig Newtons."

"Yum! I just dragged your IQ down like 50 points by talking to you."

"Don't sweat it, I've got the IQ points to spare. In fact, we should have some wine, kill off some more brain cells."

"You know, I'm pretty sure booze just kills off the weak brain cells. It's like culling the herd."

2.

A bottle later, Penny and Reg had a brilliant idea for a script and were writing on Reg's phone.

"Oh my god, Penny, you are going to be a star! We are going to sell this for a million dollars and you are going to star in it with Brad Pitt or..."

"Johnny Depp?"

"Johnny Depp! Are you willing to appear nude?"

"Would it be artistic and essential to the story?"

"Nope, but you will be very well lit."

"Then sure. But only if Johnny is naked, too."

"Oh, hell yeah, Johnny Depp is going to be naked! You think I would write a script and not have Johnny get naked?"

3.

"And then he takes the shot again and he spits it right back into the shot glass."

"Oh, stop, I have to pee!"

"And then he does the same shot a third time, starts to leave the bar! and runs back to spit it back into the shot glass."

"I have to pee, I'll be back!"

Penny took the opportunity to check her phone. There were numerous texts from Sheldon ordering her to stop contaminating Reg with her negative influence. He could not get it through his head that she and Reg were going to be famous script-writers/actresses/women about town. She tried to text same but she couldn't find the slash symbol.

 _We need Reg with her brain intact in order to prove string theory. Then she can throw the rest of her life away pursuing an acting career._

 _You're not the boss of Reg. I don't see a ring on her finger._

 _I will happily buy her a ring if it will get her to sober up and return to the lab._

 _It better be a big one cause she is a sexy woman. And she's got some big man hands._

 _I would also be happy to purchase a ring for you if it will make you leave our mathematician alone._

 _Your mathematician. You don't own her. The Shellen doesn't own Reg!_

 _One exclamation point would have gotten your point across and do not refer to Leonard and I as Shellen. We are two separate entities._

 _What are you two doing now?_

 _Running simulations._

 _Where did the two of you sleep?_

 _In my office._

 _What did you eat for lunch?_

 _We ordered a cheeseless pizza. Does this line of inquiry have a point?_

 _Yup, Shellen, it does._

Reg was staggering back to the table, looking at her phone.

"Sheldon says you are being impossible."

Penny was thrilled.

 _I can't be impossible. I exist. I think you mean I'm being improbable._

"I have been waiting FOREVER to say that!"

Reg put her hand over her heart, "I am so glad I could help... It's like 4 in the afternoon."

"I know! The day is flying by and we haven't finished our script yet."

Reg's phone beeped. "Sheldon thinks I should pull myself away from your 'folksy' charm and go home."

"Did he really say folksy charm?"

"What the fuck was that?"

"What?"

Reg tossed her long blond hair and batted her eyelashes, "Did he really say that about little ole me? Well, golly gee..."

"I was just asking if he used those words..."

"Oh my, does Dr. Cooper me find charming? Does he want to be my new beau?"

Penny wiped tears of laughter from her eyes, "You are such an idiot. Give me the phone."

"No way," Reg started texting, "Sheldon, Penny says she loves you and wants to have a million of your babies."

Penny tried to wrestle the phone out of her hand, "Don't write that! He'll think you're serious and never talk to me again!"

"I am serious! You want to be Mrs. Penny Cooper. Wipe the sweat from his furrowed brow while he proves the existence of monopoles..."

Penny pulled the phone out of Reg's hand, "If you think _that's_ the kind of fantasies I have, you do not know me at all!"

She looked at the phone, the message was either a complicated formula or proof that Reg was far too drunk to text.

"So what kind of fantasies do you have about Dr. Cooper? Do you imagine his long dexterous fingers exploring the innermost part of you..."

"Stop! You're making me have to pee and people are looking."

"Do you wonder if the size of his brain is rivaled only by the size of his throbbing love member?"

"Throbbing love member? Where do you get that stuff?"

"I read! You aren't saying no, by the way."

"You've met Sheldon!"

"I have, I spent all day gazing into his cerulean blue eyes. In fact, I very literally got into his pants."

"You did get in Sheldon's pants. I never thought I'd hear a girl say that."

Penny's phone beeped and they both jumped guiltily. How did he know they were talking about him?


	9. Chapter 9

They opted to abandon their cars and take a cab to Penny's to continue their conversation for two important reasons.

One, Reg would be able to get a ride to the office from Leonard and Sheldon in the am.

Two, Penny had more wine.

2.

"Those guys can't go back to the north pole. They almost killed Sheldon."

Reg laughed, "I can imagine."

"No, I'm serious," Penny tried to look focused, "They had a plan. These aren't violent guys, mind you. I've seen them be bullied by girl scouts."

Reg continued to laugh as though Penny were joking.

"Go across the hall and ask for a Thin Mint. I guarantee they have at least a dozen boxes!"

3.

" _I_ am such a loser, that I was talking to my dad on the phone and realized I had nothing good going in my life so I told him I got back together with Leonard. The _best_ I could come up with was pretending to date someone with a job."

" _I_ am such a loser that a couple years ago, I was drooling over a visiting physicist who was banging every bimbo in sight but couldn't be bothered with me..."

Penny couldn't imagine a guy not being interested in Reg and said so.

Reg pulled up a picture of herself from two years ago on her phone and showed it to Penny.

"Wow... your skin has really improved..."

"Yeah, a Beverly Hills dermatologist and some $500 face cream and I look human. So, this guy couldn't be bothered but I see he's on facebook so before I request him as a friend, I change my profile pic to me, all air brushed, in a bikini. My facebook page looks like a soft-core porn site. So I can impress some married douche bag."

"Is that married douche bag named David Underhill?"

"Did you meet him? I know he was working with Leonard..."

"I'm one of the bimbos he banged."

"Is it wrong that I'm a little jealous?"

4.

"I thought if I stayed positive and just kept trying... It's been four years and the biggest thing I've done is a yogurt commercial!"

"But you were great in it! You just have to get that first job under your belt and it gets easier!"

Penny felt tears forming in her eyes, "I just thought it would be different. I'm not getting any younger..."

"You are so young! You're just beating yourself up because life isn't cooperating. It NEVER does! Look at me. My parents wanted me to be the next Jonas Salk."

"I do not know who that is."

"He created the polio vaccine. I went to school, did my dissertation, got my job at Pfizer and then they died..."

"Oh, Reg, I'm so sorry..."

Reg kept going, staring straight ahead, "and I just stopped. I couldn't get excited about anything. I took a job at Lilly for more money and then I tried John Hopkins thinking maybe I just wasn't meant for the commercial sector..."

"Those are amazing accomplishments! Your parents would have been so proud!"

"My parents didn't want me to make a lot of money or have a prestigious job. They wanted me to help people! And that," Reg wiped tears from her eyes and forced a laugh, "that is not who I am. I don't help people. I just hide with my numbers and try to make the world make sense."

Penny reached up to wrap an arm around her new friend, "Do you honestly think your parents would be disappointed that at 24, you haven't saved the world? Was Joey Sulk 24 when he cured polio?"

Reg buried her head in her hands but Penny could tell she was listening.

"You've accomplished so much but all you see is failure. If you don't pat yourself on the back once in a while, how are you going to get out of bed in the morning much less change the world?"

Reg sniffed, "You're really smart, Penny."

"You think I'm smart? You have had way too much to drink..."

"Seriously, you just look at life and you can see what it is and what you want you want it to be and... and that's it. You can look at life as it is and not go crazy."

"Honey, you are really drunk."

"I am but I'm also right. You're a smart cookie, Penny."

Blue and green eyes widened simultaneously.

"Cookies!"

5.

Leonard opened the door while Penny was mid knock and she almost fell over.

"We need some Thin Mints!"

Leonard gestured towards the cabinet.

Reg came stumbling in after Penny, "Hello Drs. Cooper and Hopst... Hofstap... Leonard."

Leonard looked warily at Sheldon who was narrowing his eyes in disapproval. He looked ready to give a lecture when Penny flung wide the doors of the cookie cabinet and yelled "Behold!"

Reg fell against the wall laughing. Leonard glared at Penny and cursed overly aggressive girl scouts.

"I see you have been imbibing with Penny. Perhaps some moonshine from her still?"

Penny stood in front of Sheldon and opened her mouth full of half eaten thin mints.

Sheldon glared but offered no rejoinder.


	10. Chapter 10

Penny and Reg were about to leave, girl scout cookies in hand, when an ad for the Green Hornet came on the television.

"Green Hornet!" Reg yelled. She then jumped in the air in a reasonable Bruce Lee impersonation.

"You like the Green Hornet?" Leonard asked. This was possibly the geekiest girl he'd ever met. She and Sheldon could have tall, brilliant, blue-eyed babies who would get their asses kicked on a daily basis.

"I love Bruce Lee! We should have a marathon of the show and then go see the movie this weekend!"

"An excellent idea, Reg. Now why don't you return to Penny's apartment and sober up so Leonard and I can watch V in peace. On Thursday we'll have a Green Hornet marathon here. Leonard will cook," Sheldon was crowding them out the door without making physical contact.

"Do you cook?" Reg asked over Sheldon's shoulder.

"No."

"Of course he does. Leonard has many practical and workaday skills. Good-bye."

Once the door was closed, Sheldon shook his head wearily and returned to his spot.

"So, Reg is really pretty."

"What an astute observation, Leonard. It is a never ending thrill ride talking to you. That was sarcasm."

"Was it? Because I couldn't tell. Jackass," Leonard kept trying to have this conversation and Sheldon kept derailing it. It was time to get blunt.

"Reg seems like the kind of person you would find a desirable life partner."

Sheldon's face lit up the way it did when Leonard somehow failed to disappoint him, "Indeed she is an ideal life partner! Highly intelligent, successful, ambitious, physically strong and attractive, not to mention her interests in comic books and science fiction. She could be an invaluable member of our social circle."

Leonard was a little taken aback by his roommate's vehemence. He had his answer. Sheldon liked Reg. Wow.

"So... now what?"

"Leonard, I've already arranged a date for Thursday, do I have to do everything?"

"We've lived together seven years and I still only understand about 30% of the things that come out of your mouth."

2.

"We've got ourselves a date!" Reg announced, giving Penny a hip bump that nearly knocked her over, "Thursday you and Dr. Cooper will be snuggling on the couch watching... a pretty fucking unromantic show but still..."

"I'm not going to be snuggling Sheldon! You are the one who is supposed to snuggle Sheldon. How drunk are you?"

"Pretty damn! I can't date Sheldon. I'm from New Orleans. Laissez les bons temps rouler! I can't date a teetotaller."

"I don't know what that means. Is that a golf term..."

"Someone who doesn't drink. At all. Unless they have to give a speech and then they get hammered and take their pants off. Actually, maybe he would fit right in New Orleans..."

"Get some sleep, Reg. You have to get up early and be brilliant tomorrow. How much sleep have you had in the past 72 hours?"

"Almost none but I'm a grad student. Drinking and not sleeping is part and parcel of... that."

"You can sleep in my bed, I'll sleep on the couch."

"No! I'll sleep on the couch, it's your apartment."

"There won't be room for your big Cornish head."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Reg was already curling into a tight little, couch fitting, ball.

"Something Sheldon said..."

Reg's southern drawl was back, "Oh my, it was something that handsome Dr. Cooper said of late..."

"Good night, Reg."

As soon as she stopped talking, Reg passed out. Penny pulled the thin mint out of her mouth so she didn't choke in her sleep. She wondered if all geniuses were this eccentric or if it was a California thing: Too much sun.

3.

Reg woke up with a thumping headache. She moved slowly in hopes of not having to vomit in someone else's apartment. This is why she didn't drink. Or go to parties. Or date. Or have friends.

She found some Tylenol in Penny's medicine cabinet and drank roughly a gallon of water. She needed some fatty hangover food. Donuts! Her mouth watered at the idea. A donut for breakfast, sleep in her office for a few hours, spend a few hours with Sheldon and Leonard working on corrections then the gym to work off the box of Thin Mints and the donut.

Laissez les bons temps rouler, indeed.

As far as her adviser knew, she was hard at work on the first draft of her dissertation. She'd had it finished for a week and it was going to continue sitting on her computer until her suggested deadline. She might even ask for an extension. She'd learned a thing or two the first time through grad school. The first time you turned your work in, everyone was impressed and then they started giving you shorter deadlines. This time around, Reg was not going to be crushed by anyone's expectations but her own.

Her phone beeped. It was a text from Sheldon. Apparently he couldn't knock on Penny's door this early in the morning lest he get punched in the throat.

4.

During the ride to work, Sheldon updated Reg on the simulations he and Leonard had run. It was all very promising. Reg looked a bit "green around the gills" as his mother would say but she seemed generally unimpaired by the time spent with Penny. Sheldon threw her a few equations to solve just to be sure she was mentally intact. She was clearly a resilient woman.

"Can we stop to pick up a donut and some coffee?" she asked.

"Sure," said Leonard.

"No," said Sheldon, "We'll be late if we stop."

"Five minutes late," replied Leonard.

"Yes, as Leonard says, we'd be five minutes late if we stopped."

Leonard shot him a look that made Sheldon think perhaps his roommate hadn't been agreeing with him.

"Let the good times roll," responded Reg, rather enigmatically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author note: For the sake of French speakers (and non-French speakers) "Laissez les bons temps rouler" is a Cajun French saying strongly associated with New Orleans and loosely translates to "let the good times roll".


	11. Chapter 11

Penny took a shower after her Thursday lunch shift and got ready for her "date". Watching some cheesy tv show with her ex while Sheldon failed to hit on the stunningly beautiful genius sitting right next to him. This was sure to be a thrilling evening. Sadly, it was the best offer she'd gotten this week.

Maybe she needed to give Sheldon a bottle of wine, that was one way to get him out of his pants...

Reg was a genius, she'd figure it out.

2.

"Perhaps Reg could drive you to pick up the spaghetti sauce you like and I'll stay here and fill Penny in on the Green Hornet back story," Leonard suggested, praying for once that Sheldon would pick up on a social cue.

"Reg is from New Orleans, I trust her driving less than Penny's! Penny will drive me."

That's what happens when atheists try to pray.

"Why don't Leonard and I pick up the sauce and then you and Reg can stay here and... talk?" Penny offered. Reg was smirking and while she was silent, every inch of her body screamed "I so informed you thusly."

"You and Leonard? It was Leonard who picked up the wrong sauce to begin with and you? Need I remind you of last week's mustard incident? You will drive me to the supermarket and Leonard will stay here and begin preparing dinner."

"Don't you worry, Leonard," promised Reg, "I am going to help you with that spaghetti and salad. I don't want you to be overwhelmed!"

3.

Penny took every opportunity to glare at Sheldon as she drove him to the store. She was starting to think he was being intentionally difficult. She also cursed Leonard for picking up the wrong sauce to begin with.

"Next time you send Leonard to the store, send him with a list."

"I did," Sheldon's face was twitching and not in its usual twitchy way, more like a trying not to smile twitch.

"Sheldon, what are you up to?"

"I deliberately wrote the wrong flavor so that you would have to drive me to pick up another jar, leaving Leonard and Reg alone in the apartment. It was Missy's suggestion but I think I executed the plan with no small amount of skill and flare."

"Dumbass, you are supposed to get me and Leonard out of the house so you can be alone with Reg!"

"I have had plenty of time alone with Reg. It's Leonard that avoids being alone with her. I know for a fact he is simply being obstinate because I informed him that I think Reg would be an excellent life partner and since then he has avoided her like she's carrying some form of contagion," Sheldon was clearly irritated, "And obviously, I have already vetted Reg to ascertain her hygiene is well up to par."

"Obviously."

Penny pulled the car over so she could try and wrap her mind around the insanity that was Sheldon Cooper.

"Leonard doesn't want to be alone with Reg BECAUSE you said she would be a good life partner."

"Yes. As per usual, he's being difficult."

"No, he's following the guy code and staying away from your woman."

"Why would...Oh." She could see the dawn of understanding in those guileless blue eyes, "I think there may have been a misunderstanding."

4.

Reg chopped tomatoes while Leonard chopped the cucumbers. They were as far apart as a small kitchen would allow. This was getting ridiculous.

"So, Leonard..."

"Hmm?"

"You get that Sheldon is trying to set us up right?"

"What? No. What?"

"In his words, we are two of the most tolerable people he knows and he would not be adverse to my presence as your girlfriend."

Leonard promptly sliced his thumb along with the cucumber. Reg encouraged him to apply pressure to the wound while she texted Sheldon to pick up another cucumber. Then she stood outside the bathroom while Leonard puked his guts out.

She received a text from Sheldon.

 _I believe Leonard may be under the misguided belief that I am seeking you as a life partner for myself._

 _I set him straight._

 _How did he respond to the news?_

 _He nearly sliced off his thumb and now he's vomiting._

 _Typical. I hope you are willing to overlook his many, many flaws and consider him as a partner for coitus_.

Reg peeked in the bathroom. Leonard was leaning against the tub, ashen faced and holding his bloody paper towel covered thumb in the air.

 _I've dated worse. Of course, he'll need some mouthwash first..._

Reg erased the second line before hitting send. Sheldon wouldn't get the humor. He'd probably expect them to be... coitusing when he and Penny returned.


	12. Chapter 12

1.

Sheldon let out a deep sigh as he read his text message, "Leonard is making a mess of things. That was unexpected. Sarcasm."

Penny slapped Sheldon on the shoulder, "That was actual sarcasm! I could tell from your tone you were being sarcastic before you, you know, announced it! Look at you. Using sarcasm, playing cupid... you are going to have so much to report back to Orson this week..."

"Orson? Of all the potential science fiction reference available to you, you chose to reference 'Mork&Mindy'? Please keep your eyes on the road."

Penny focused on the task at hand until she had parked the car and they were in the grocery store looking for one non blood covered cucumber and a jar of spaghetti sauce.

"Did you make Leonard 'cook' so he could show off the one meal he's capable of making?'

"It's important that he demonstrate he has practical skills that make him a desirable mate. I also plan to have him do the dishes after dinner and perhaps remove a stain from the upholstery of his chair..."

"Girls get all hot and bothered for guys who can tackle a tough stain..."

"My thinking exactly."

"That was sarcasm, sweetie."

"Darn!" Sheldon chose, after an absurd amount of thought, a cucumber.

"I still don't understand why you aren't going after Reg yourself. She's smart..."

"Smart? She's brilliant!"

"Brilliant. She's tall and beautiful. She likes Star Wars and Star Trek and all those other things I thought only boys liked. The two of you would make so much sense together. Think of your giant brainy babies! Which aisle is the spaghetti sauce?"

"Three. While I agree our offspring would no doubt be remarkable, that would be a reason to combine our DNA, not a reason to engage in a romance."

"It isn't?'

"No. There was certainly a time in Western culture when marriage was based upon practical concerns such as land ownership and familial alliance but in the time of the 'love marriage', unions are rarely based on anything but an idea that a fleeting spark of attraction can be maintained eternally."

"All I got out of that was the word attraction. Are you attracted to Reg?"

"No."

"Why the hell not? She's a bikini model with a doctorate! _I_ would hit that!"

Penny decided she should lower her voice, people were staring.

"I am in no way denigrating the myriad of Reg's qualities, I am simply not attracted to her. Reg describes it as 'the enthrallment variable'. A certain intangible quality..."

"You've discussed this with Reg?"

"Yes, over hot dogs. She was very helpful when I explained my predicament. Ah, Mama Italia marinara. Mmm, mmm, mmm."

"So she's known this whole week that you weren't interested in her and were in fact trying to set her up with Leonard?"

"Of course."

Penny was ready to pull her hair out of her head. Instead, she waited patiently until Sheldon paid for his items and they were outside the store.

"Why the frack didn't she tell me! Why not just say she was into Leonard? Why all the 'Oh my, that Dr. Cooper' jazz?"

"Are you asking me to explain the actions of another person?"

Penny strapped herself into her seat belt and thought. She felt like she was still missing a piece of the puzzle.

2.

"Sorry... about the vomiting and bleeding... and passing out."

"Don't apologize! I'm glad to use my first aid training. It took me three hours to get my certificate."

"I'm not good with blood. Or knives. Or human interaction."

"At your party, I took people from playing spin-the-bottle to illustrating differential equations."

"That was an amazing game!"

"And it got you laid!" Reg punched Leonard in the arm hard enough to make him flinch, "Sorry. I do that when I'm alone with guys. I punch them. I have intimacy issues."

"Good timing because I was just about to say 'I love you' and ask how many kids we should have."

"I know, I could tell. Wanna arm wrestle?"

"I can't believe Sheldon was trying to set me up with a girl. Especially after what happened at the party... why would I mention that?"

"Doing Leslie in Sheldon's bed? Sheldon wanted you to have a girlfriend but he was pretty clear Leslie was not an option!"

"His arch-enemy," Leonard chuckled, "Wait. Why does he want me to have a girlfriend?"

Reg's stomach clenched, "Um... I don't know if he even..."

"Why does he want me to have a girlfriend?"

Reg avoided Leonard's gaze, "Why don't we put in the Green Hornet?"

"Why are you avoiding the question? What's going on? What is Sheldon up to?"

"He... He thinks that if you are in a relationship that you will be less likely to freak out if he pursues a girl..."

"Why would I freak out just because he's pursuing a girl... Oh my god, no! No! Oh, no!"

"Are you going to vomit again!"

"Maybe."


	13. Chapter 13

Penny half listened to Sheldon's speech on the Green Hornet as they climbed the stairs. She kept going back to Reg's repeated jokes about Penny and Sheldon. Did Reg know something Penny didn't? Was Sheldon...?

Penny laughed out loud at the absurd thought. Sheldon looked confused and wary. It was a look he frequently wore when alone with Penny. Clearly the physicist was in love with the waitress next door whom he considered barely literate. That made total sense. Add the fact he showed no interest in women and you had a recipe for romance.

"Why are you laughing? It's disturbing."

"Because I'm an idiot."

Sheldon gave a breathy laugh, "Yes, that is amusing."

Clearly a man in love. Penny laughed again.

2.

Sheldon felt unnerved by Penny's inexplicable laughter. Her behavior was often inexplicable as was his reaction to her. He thought of Reg's words.

"Sheldon, attraction isn't logical... Don't start with the fertility signifiers! That's a broad social trend, we're talking about individuals. The average height of a US male is 5'10, are you 5'10? Most people's IQ falls within two standard deviations of 100. Does that reflect your IQ? What applies to the aggregate doesn't necessarily apply to the individual and the individual feels attraction for a multitude of reasons. Beyond physical attractiveness and a general compatibility there's an intangible factor. A certain... enthrallment variable that cannot be predicted or explained. Sometimes you want to be with someone just because you want to be with them."

Hokum. However, there was no denying that he looked at the genetic wonder that was Reg and felt a desire to be her companion and colleague but when he looked at Penny...

Enthrallment.

Penny was still chuckling as he opened the door to his apartment. Leonard and Reg were seated on the couch. Leonard looked pale, perhaps from the loss of blood and vomiting. He constantly marvelled at his roommate's social awkwardness.

"Sheldon! We need to talk. Now!"

Leonard's face was tense, his tone was demanding. He seemed... angry?

"Now!" Leonard repeated, pointing towards the bedrooms. Sheldon sighed, clearly he was in trouble.

3.

"What was that all about?" Penny asked Reg who was sitting, wide-eyed with her hand over her mouth.

"I don't... I'm sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut. I'm so fucking awkward, I shouldn't talk to people..."

"Calm down, Reg! You can't have said anything that bad!" Penny sat on the couch next the the neurotic Amazon and patted her non-face clutching hand.

"Leonard was asking why Sheldon wanted to get him a girlfriend and I didn't even mention your name..."

"Why would you mention my name?"

"Because of you and Sheldon..."

"What about me and Sheldon?"

"You know... Because you kind of made a move on him."

"What!"

4.

"What the _hell_ are you thinking!"

Sheldon knew he needed to tread carefully, "At the moment I'm thinking you are angry..."

"Damn right I'm angry!"

"Oh, good. I got it on the first try."

"How can you even think of doing this to me?"

"Making you angry? I am not trying to make you..."

"Even you can't be that clueless."

"As usual, you are underestimating me..."

"Shut up! This is beyond the pale. This is not something a friend does to a friend."

Realization was dawning. Sheldon had considered this reaction as a remote possibility. He'd discussed the topic thoroughly with Leonard's mother, his own mother, Missy and Reg and he'd felt certain he was taking all the appropriate steps to protect his friendship with Leonard. As per usual, he was finding his attempts to follow social protocol futile.

"When I spoke to your mother regarding this subject she suggested..."

"You KNOW my mother doesn't give a shit about my feelings! I'm just her guinea pig son so she could test out her parenting techniques before she used them on Michael. I know that kind of cold calculation sounds great and practical to you but it's not! It's horrible and, like it or not, you aren't like my mother."

"You seem to think your mother and I..."

"Do not! Oh my god, do not say 'your mother and I'! I never ever want to hear that phrase come out of your mouth again!"

"Leonard, you're being completely irrational."

"She's not even divorced from my father yet!"

"I'm not sure how that's relevant..."

"Not relevant? What... How about the fact you are 6 months younger than me? Two years younger than my sister. Is that relevant?"

Sheldon was the most brilliant person Sheldon knew and he was completely lost in Leonard's logic, "I can't see any relevance between your sister's age and the possibility of my pursuing a romantic relationship with Penny. I think your recent blood loss has left you mentally impaired."

"How about, you would have step children older than you... Wait. What? Penny? Are you..." Sheldon could see the metaphorical wheels turning in his friend's head. Leonard collapsed onto his bed shaking his head.

"Do you know where you are, Leonard?" His instinct told him to determine if Leonard was oriented x3.

"I didn't have a stroke, Sheldon! I'm just... You're interested in Penny?"

"Apparently," it was the most honest answer available to Sheldon.

"Not my mom?"

"I'm very interested in your mother but not as a potential mate."

Leonard sighed. Relieved?

"I have never been so relieved." Nailed it!


	14. Chapter 14

Reg was physically blocking Penny's way. Her epically long limbs stretching across the room like Elastic Woman.

"What are you doing, Reg? I need to talk to Sheldon and clear up this mess."

"And tell him, what? That you aren't interested in him? That's a lie and you know it!"

"He's my friend and he's my ex's best friend and roommate..."

"Which is why he's been orchestrating this symphony of romance and tedious monopole simulations. I don't know him like you do but I know he took a big leap here and he doesn't seem like a big leap kinda guy."

That was the understatement of the year. Sheldon playing matchmaker just so he could... What did he even want from Penny? For the past four years he'd wanted rides, advice on social protocol and submission to his absurd demands.

"We don't even know if Sheldon is interested in me..."

"I do. I know. And I know that you're interested, too. And I'm pretty sure that if you go in there and tell Sheldon he's had the wrong end of the stick the whole time you're going to slam that door shut forever. I don't know Sheldon that well but I know what's it's like to be too smart for your own good."

"Are you as smart as Sheldon?"

"Smarter. He was using a bijective base-10 numerical system to run data!"

"No!"

"He was!"

"And I thought he was a genius."

"I know! Why not apply nail polish with a mop?"

Sheldon and a dazed looking Leonard came out of the bedroom.

"Penny, can we talk for a minute?" asked Leonard, beckoning her towards his room, "Sheldon... talk to Reg."

Reg's face paled, "Oh, no, Leonard. Nothing good can come of me talking to people."

"You'll be fine," he said with a semi-reassuring smile as Penny crossed the room. Before he closed the door, Penny was sure she heard Reg asking Sheldon if he wanted to arm wrestle.

"So... you asked Sheldon what he would do if he was asked out by a beautiful sexy blonde and then you grabbed his leg."

"What? I did not... Oh, crap on a cracker, I did."

"I told him I was going to be subtle and try to determine your intentions and then give him the thumbs up if he should proceed. Should I give him the thumbs up?"

Penny knew this was the kind of decision that needed to be carefully thought out. If it went badly, and it would probably go badly, it could have disastrous effects on her friendships with Sheldon and Leonard that would ripple through to Reg, Bernadette, Howard, Raj and her BFF, Amy Farrah Fowler.

"Sure, why not?"

Leonard gave her the thumbs up.

"Wait, Leonard. Are you sure you're okay with this? I don't want to come between you and Sheldon."

"If Sheldon can't ruin my friendship with Sheldon... I'm pretty sure it's indestructible," Leonard gave an awkward laugh but turned serious, "I want Sheldon to be happy and I want him to find a nice girl."

"Do you still have those nightmares about him marrying your mom?"

"I've only two this month... but I have a feeling they might be coming back."

2.

Sheldon looked up and watched Penny and Leonard re-enter the room. Leonard gave him a thumbs up and Penny sat in the middle of the couch, next to his spot. Sheldon was officially on a date with Penny. He hoped she didn't expect it to end in coitus, he had to be up early for work the next morning.

Sheldon ducked when Reg tried to punch him. She was surprisingly unpredictable for a mathematician.

"It's just a fist bump, Sheldon! I wasn't trying to hit you! I shouldn't be around people."


	15. Chapter 15

They ate spaghetti, which Penny enjoyed. She was growing fond (in spite of all reason!) of the hot dog pieces in the sauce.

They watched the Green Hornet which Penny endured. She didn't hate it but it was one of those many things she just didn't "get".

She sat next to Sheldon on the couch which was not unusual. She sat next to Sheldon on the couch and thought about having sex with him, now that was unusual.

She'd thought about it before. He was a good looking man. He was often sweet, he could be charming.

When he wasn't being incredibly annoying.

Sometimes _when_ he was being incredibly annoying.

She'd thought about it the day she met him. She thought about it when they talked about "friends with benefits". She'd certainly thought about it when he'd put on that black suit.

There was a big difference between thinking "I would hit that" and actually considering the possibility of... hitting that.

"Reg, you're a mathematician. What is the best number?" Sheldon asked.

Reg didn't even look away from the screen, "73. Runners up include 42 and 69."

"Ah yes, a reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy followed by a slang term for mutual oral stimulation," Sheldon gave a breathy laugh, "Highly amusing. I think you'll find that Leonard enjoys H2G2 and juvenile humor as well."

Reg looked at Leonard for confirmation.

"Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight," offered Leonard.

"Boobies," snickered Reg before turning back to her beloved Kato.

Even the sexual innuendo was nerdy and... mathy.

The first time she'd told her dad she was dating Leonard, ,the guy across the hall, he'd said, "Not the weirdo that doesn't drive and hung your skivvies on a telephone wire!" He'd been relieved when she said no.

She looked at Sheldon, there was a smug look on his face. Even his relentless egotism was endearing, especially when it was completely baseless. While the other boys had their self-esteem squashed by relentless bullying, Sheldon had built himself a Teflon shell so the outside world couldn't touch him. He only heard what he wanted to hear and he yelled and stomped his feet to drown out all opposing voices.

Except for Penny's. He yelled and stomped but ultimately, he heard her. He understood his Ken could kiss her Barbie.

He always had to have his way. Penny refused to be bossed around. Maybe they could both learn to be flexible...

The thought made her laugh out loud.

Sheldon asked why she was laughing (only he used the term 'braying like a donkey').

"I was thinking of a joke I heard."

"Oh! Do share. I do enjoy a clever play on words or usurping of normal expectations."

"It's about shoes."

"Never mind, then."

He described sex as messy and unsanitary. He didn't like to be touched. He went to bed at 9pm. He had a rigid schedule and resented even the slightest adjustment.

Dating Sheldon had to be the worst idea she'd _ever_ had and she had spent New Year's eve in a comic book store dressed as Wonder Woman with not one but three men she had rejected.

Stuart, so sweet and creative.

Leonard, so sweet and brilliant.

Zach, so sweet and so fucking stupid.

Sheldon excused himself to get a refreshing glass of juice which he promptly dumped on Leonard's chair.

"Be a lamb, Leonard, and clean that up. You're so good at stain removal."

Penny and Reg watched Leonard wet and salted the stain.

Reg raised an eyebrow, "Sheldon, I can't help but notice that Leonard has a plethora of practical skills that make him a desirable mate."

Sheldon turned to Penny with a look that screamed "I told you so!"

Penny could have pointed out that Reg was being sarcastic but she didn't. She took Sheldon's hand in her own. His body stiffened but he didn't pull away.

Maybe they could be flexible.


	16. Chapter 16

Penny had been holding his hand for half an hour and his palm was sweaty. He wanted to pull his hand away, dry it off... perhaps apply a layer of antibacterial soap... but he didn't want to offend her on their first date.

Reg was holding up her "man hands" for inspection.

"I don't think you should be concerned about the size of your hands, Penny has large and brawny hands as well and they don't detract from her physical attractiveness," Sheldon held up Penny's hand to demonstrate.

Penny pursed her lips and looked annoyed. Why? He had just commented on her physical attractiveness.

"Sheldon... you can't call a woman's hand brawny. It's hurtful." Leonard had his head propped up with his hand as though speaking to Sheldon was simply exhausting. His roommate was full of such eccentricities.

"How is it insulting? Penny has brawny and strong hands..."

"And I'm short and you look like a giant praying mantis. Just because something is true doesn't mean a person likes to hear it."

Now Penny turned her pursed lip, angry face to Leonard.

"Reg is happy to discuss her large and mannish hands..."

"Actually... I just mention them so other people won't. If I just say 'Look at my giant hands' then people say 'oh, they aren't that big!' and, honestly, you were the first person to straight up agree with me," explained the ever helpful Reg.

Sheldon wondered if he would ever grasp the complexity of speaking to women. Leonard, Raj and Howard were also fairly sensitive to remarks about their appearance. Sheldon wondered if he would ever grasp the complexity of speaking to other people. It was an exhausting endeavour. Still, he was holding Penny's hand and that was worth some measure of inconvenience.

"I apologize, Penny. Your hands are neither large nor brawny."

Penny did not look pleased. He looked to Reg for a hint.

"Maybe you should say something nice to Penny. Something you actually mean."

That seemed simple enough. He took a moment to look at Penny. While he had certainly memorized every aspect of her physical being, he hoped looking at her would give him the eloquence he seemed to lack when it came to 'being romantic'.

"Do you honestly have to think _that_ long to come up with something nice to say about me?" Penny snapped. Her lips were still pursed, her eyes were flashing with some strong emotion (his guess was anger). She was indeed beautiful when she was angry.

"You are the most physically attractive person I have ever met. I rarely feel moved by physical beauty but I enjoy looking at you."

Penny's mouth was hanging open. He looked to Reg who was covering her mouth with her hand, her eyes wide. Leonard was looking at him like he was an especially complicated equation. Perhaps he shouldn't have focused on Penny's outward appearance. He tried again.

"You have a fiery personality that I find equally terrifying and intriguing," perhaps the word terrifying was a poor choice, "You are the antithesis of everything I value and yet I find myself seeking your company and your deranged world view."

Penny was smiling now. He asked if he should continue, she said "Please do."

"I appreciate the fact you don't try to change the people around you. Not even Leonard who clearly needs to change a great deal in order to be a suitable mate for anyone," Sheldon made the last statement with a meaningful glance in Reg's direction, "I admire your fearlessness even though it means you drive an unsafe vehicle and are likely to get a fungal disease from your manicurist."

Penny was smiling broadly now. He was pleased.

"Oh, wow, I forgot about that thing, Leonard," Reg stammered as she stood up.

"Oh, yeah. That thing you told me about. We should go..."

"...look at it. It was nice hanging out with you guys," Reg announced as she pulled on her hooded sweatshirt, "I'm just going to go with Leonard and... show him some etchings."

Everyone but Sheldon laughed. He wasn't aware that Reg drew. Perhaps her etchings were poorly executed. When she closed the door, he asked Penny who laughed again.

"No, sweetie, there are no 'etchings'. Showing someone your 'etchings' is code for 'come to my place for sex'. It's like inviting someone in for 'coffee'," Penny explained.

Sheldon marveled again at the obtuse nature of human mating, "So Reg and Leonard are going to engage in coitus?"

"No! She was making a joke about... well, maybe."

If an experienced dater like Penny wasn't sure, what chance did Sheldon have to sort through the tangled web of double entendres and slang?

"Were you planning to engage in coitus with Stuart the night of the 'Great Batman Replacement Debate'?"

"Wellll, maybe." Penny looked uncomfortable.

"Are we going to engage in coitus?"

Penny pursed her lips and bugged out her eyes. Not anger. Surprise? Disbelief? It was a face she often wore in his presence.

She seemed to think for a moment before replying, "Maybe?"


End file.
